God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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