hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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