we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
