Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
