batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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