Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
