I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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