You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
