remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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