Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
