I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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