I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
