Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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