Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
