If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
