It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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