Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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