Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
