The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
