matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
