The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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