We won't sleep together?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
