life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
