She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
