she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
