I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
