I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
