I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
