even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
