life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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