At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
