If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
