nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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