Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
