Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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