According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
