I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
