if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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