OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
