Just fell off a train. Bad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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