Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
