Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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