Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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