god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
