I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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