You just made me feel so damn special
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
