Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
