Moan for me like Helen Keller
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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