well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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