Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
