It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
