I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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